A new year, new problems, and a refreshed gamut of retardation.
Ah, can’t you just smell that angst in the air? Welcome back to Big Box News! After a sort of hiatus, BBN has returned with an all new look, feel, and a full arsenal of hate. Since 2010 I’ve become twenty-one, (which means you’ll get to experience my gradual descent into alcoholism, I’m sure) and I’ve grown more annoyed with our people. Which of course, means that you few faithfuls will get to experience a new breed of brooding. Hooray.
What I’ve got planned so far? A tour of beers (domestics only, I don’t have the kind of money to afford those nice, pretty bitch beers), a denouncing of the Twitter generation, a bevy of problems with Apple Co. and some more political thrashing. Let’s begin the new year with my first opener! [Hint, it ain’t the tour of beers yet, I’ve got seven more to try]
Hope you’re happy with the new, and improved congress!
Yes, I’m sure we’ll all be pleased with the new shameless amounts of ear-marks that will float around thanks to lobbyists, the sheer bullheadedness of the previous generations, and I think we all need a penchant for some truly just people that will flood our television sets with stupidity. Now, I know you’re probably thinking “But Atticus! These people have just gotten sworn in! You haven’t even given them a chance-” Yeah, you’re right. I refuse to give these asshats a chance, unless it’s a chance encounter with my boot-heel. Sincerely-these people are going to rape your children’s future (figuratively and probably literally). I’m sure Senator John Boozeman will be able to repeal that God-forbidden-Obamacare and take care of that damned Muslim once and for all. (Tastes sarcastic, don’t it?) I can only hope that our proud leaders lead us not into more of a deficit but into high-taxation for the middle class, and the destruction of that timeless “American Dream.” Please, Mr. Highjacked-God, please destroy all morality in our Senate and House and please, please make sure the entire world hates us.
Oh, and can I get an “hell yeah!” for Miss Palin announcing her presidency in 2011. Because, as we all know: We need her now more than ever. She deserves the Presidency like Ohio State deserved the Sugar Bowl. (Yeah, I went there, you fucking cheaters)
I’d also like to introduce the new, and improved Big Box News Logo! Here’s to 2011, dammit.