Oh shit! Looks like we’re about to have to play another game of “who’s in my mouth” with North Korea. See, in case none of you politically disengaged asshats have heard- there’s this itty bitty lil’ nation north of South Korea, it’s called North Korea and they’re “communist.” See, these “commies” don’t like us very much (something about Democracy, Mountain Dew, and Marxism. I can’t remember, but just so we’re clear-spoilt white kids hate the United States too. More on that subject another time) and since they don’t like us, they’ve been provoking us.
Last night these so-called Charlie’s decided they were going to launch roughly 200 artillery shells at our lil’ pal, South Korea. The rebellious, more paranoid twin announced that they did it because South Korea kept taking all of their milk-I think. So, since we have some 28, 000 United States soldiers jacking around near Seoul, we might have to be the bigger man and blow the hell out of North Korea. Any questions? No? Okay, let’s move on.
The biggest problems with this situation for the United States including a lack of money, or something…
1. Lack of Douglas MacArthur.
Holyhotdogs that guy was a badass. Check the Cracked.com article. Dude’s p-i-m-p. Srsly legit. Srsly. But just for kicks, I’ll tell you why he’s such a badass character in history. First off, he destroyed the commie bastards and ran them straight out of Seoul, single-handedly. Secondly, he got the go-ahead to use up to forty nuclear warheads were we to mobilize on China. Finally, the sonofabitch damn near forced a military coupe on the White House, until Truman realized that he could actually fire MacArthur. Which sorta blew. But whatever, not like any of this affected our history or anything.
You see, hippies are fundamentally the entire reason why our economy has crashed, and why your mommy doesn’t love you enough. Hippies are against everything that is good, like Sarah Palin, capital punishment, guns, bullets, war, oil, money, steak, Wall Street, AIG, private-militaries, Black Water, 9-11 response, knives, white people, black people who aren’t Jamaican, Haitians, Italians, Jewish people, and hurricane Katrina “disaster relief.” (That last one is actually true, see, hippies love Momma Green so much that they blocked any relief from going into New Orleans due to it being “just part of Earth, man.” See Kanye? Blame Hippies. It’s always a decent thing to do).
Hippies would go into a stink about how it’s not cool to kill people, and how war is just another propagated scandal that feeds fat-cats on Capital hill. Thus pissing off Republicans, and then we have another Jimmy Carter. No one wants that.
Finally, 3. Sho’nuff.
Sho’nuff has been around since the first nuclear weapon was used in Japan. See, there was only one whimsical black samurai wondering the streets of Tokyo when we flew our brave dolphins over the island. His name was Shoan Nuffimbergler. He was a samurai from California. We nuked him, and then he transformed into the greatest warrior the world has ever known. Defeating all challengers (save Teddy Roosevelt, it was a draw) he eventually took control of China since he defeated the tanks at Tiananmen Square. Is he the baddest around? Sho’nuff. So, we’d have to fight him and we all know what would happen…