Funny-or-die? Not funny, so go die.

Comedians, true comedy professionals are hard to come by these days. Easily one of the oldest forms of human entertainment-the comedy circle has long stood as the easiest way to relieve our grief outside of awkward sex. However, since the 1980s (go figure) the realm of comedy has been somewhat lacking in the aisle of hilarity. Taking a look back at the good comedians we think of the great, late George Carlin. The black comedy bastard gave us years of quotes, philosophy and truthiness. Let’s think on some other greats-yeah?

Bill Hicks (on whom I’ve based my entire performance on, he’s my muse-my flame), Richard Pryor changed the face and tone of comedy, Chris Rock saved African Comedy (after years of Eddie Murphy abuse no less, thanks Darkness), Dave Chappelle, and Robin Williams. Names that should never be anywhere near this list are my top four most horrendous fuckfaces that bastardized comedy in every fashion:

Dane Cook: You loud, unfunny jackass.

Dane Cook’s been beloved by several idiots for roughly seven years. Best part is that he isn’t funny-at all. He’s had a couple of grin moments but he isn’t worth calling the best comedian of the 21st century. Far from it. Screaming about things and claiming “true stories” doesn’t make comedy. Going with your girlfriend to a jungle themed party while wearing a bulldozer outfit is funny, at least, I think it is.

Dane Cook was funny, okay, let’s give the boy his dues. Vicious Circle was one of my original loves that got me to love stand-up, I’ll admit. However, it later days it seems he’s less funny and more Jerry Seinfeld. Which brings me to my next piece…

Jerry Seinfeld: What’s the deal?

Nothing funny about this guy. In fact, I have nothing more really to say other than the “what’s the deal” jokes died out back in 1993. I mean, I guess airline peanut comedy can go a long way. However nothing can save your soul when you’re in bed with Jason Alexander. Taking the long haul of nine season, the wacky adventures of a bunch of New York jews who did nothing with their days had potential. Then again, so did 9-11.

Andy Dick: Nope.

Being a pompous dick can be funny, but being Andy Dick is just sad. Whacky inanity is imposed on the asshats that actually find this guy funny-and by wacky inanity I mean absolutely stoicism. This guy sucks turds for a living, and I find everything in my little black heart hating this guy. Then again, I’m a pompous dick so my opinion is sort of completely reliable.  Also, what’s the deal with this guy’s constant obsession with public indecency? When it happens naturally-it’s perfectly fine, but forcing your petite popper out in public is to be taken in only one way: Nope.

Dennis Leary: Cocksucker.

Thieving, jealous little self-righteous prick who stole his early material from Bill Hicks. I’d like to sit around with the ghost of Mr. Hicks and listen to his version of the story. I have a feeling this is how it would go though…

“So Bill, what do you think of Dennis Leary?”

“Dennis who? Oh the little shit that stole my material and put his name on it? God bless him, if I wasn’t dead from cancer I’d kill myself just to see if he’d do it too.”


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