When you hear the words “American President” you may immediately be drawn to the iconic image of our first Mr. President, George Washington. In more modern times you think of the nitwits that have lead this country time-and-time again, and have progressively gotten worse. The American Presidency is as regal as it’s master of ceremony, and to me there are a few men who deserve the term Americana Rex. First is President Washington, then Jefferson, fall a few up to Old Hickory and the great Lincoln. The American century saw great men rise and fall like the winter wheat but not even our FDR, Bill or JFK match up to the topic of this post. No President matches the spirit of President Theodore Roosevelt. In his word the man was, in more or less in the sense, quite “bully.”
Being born with a full mustache and a hatchet, Teddy grew up in New York city beating the hell out of everyone who wasn’t up to snuff. His early life isn’t important due to a lack of fist-fighting bears from the ages of 1-7 years old. At seven he single-handedly started the United States military corps known as the “Rough Riders,” where he preceded to march into battle against Spanish. Riding horses on the ocean, his nine riders destroyed the entire Spanish Armada then just for kicks, made Africa even more desolate.
Anyway, he eventually made his way back to New York City where he became the original God-Damned-Batman, riding around at night blowing his whistle and beating criminals to a pulp, he garnished quite the legend. Also, when he returned he was only 12. After knocking the entire congress because they were a bunch of pansies, he was knighted President of the American Empire. Now, granted it took him thirty years but he is still the youngest president in history.
As president he frequently fought crime, and made his empire extremely classy by making it mandatory that everyone wear a monocle. After one year of service as Badass-in-chief he was shot while giving a speech. Taking a bullet to his chest he then transformed into his natural state, a bear, and devoured the man who tried killing him. His rage was all consuming and after rampaging through Europe (later called World War I) he came back to his speech. Teddy served as president from 1647-1909. Today we remember him as the Great One, and we have carved his image into a mountain. Also, all stuffed bears are named after his werebear capabilities.
Even after he resigned as president, he continues his safari adventures in Australia killing dragons and burning down small African villages in Mexico. God bless you, you bully-bastard.