Y’all some oompa loompas. (Identifying Guidoitis)

Don’t get offended people. This is just a survival guide, and if you’re a guido reading this…go away.

Ladies and gentleman, we have a serious epidemic in this country. It’s sweeping across our nation and infecting the youth from the ages of fourteen to twenty-seven. Rabid and horrifying, the guidoitis is a deadly disease that harming the eyes, ears and appearance of everyone around us. Please take this time to take my guidance in understanding and spotting this filthy virus.

Identifying those with guidoitis

It’s not difficult, if you see someone who’s appearance has been drastically altered in a matter of days do not be afraid-however remember to keep your distance (lest you become one yourself). However the symptoms are easy to spot. Physically, their skin will be akin to that of an Oompa Loompa. Bleached with a very tangerine glow, and lips will be rather…glossy. This is likely due to fellatio of pig grease, also note their breath will reek of urine and their voice will be rather nasally and similar to the nanny. Here are some examples of youth who’ve been infected with guidoitis.


Of the female persuasion, please note the douchebag t-shirt, glossy duck-faced (puckered) lips, dyed and dried out hair and of course…the pumpkin skin.

The male variety however is much, much more serious. You see, they’ve taken down the line of masculinity or even humanity by making themselves extremely ambiguous and subhuman. Beware, they’re prone to Long-Island accents, wine coolers, and cannibalism/homosexuality (although this last one is debatable, due to the ambiguous nature of the male guido, although it is understandable due to years spent in Roman Catholicism.)

Finally, the rare and illusive Guidemo. This horrifying hybrid of emo and guido is a potent force to be reckoned with, beware of their horrifying tastes in music, film, and catch-phrases that will BLOW YOUR MIND.

Also, remember to watch out for other key signs. If they’ve got an insistent urge to watch MTV’s Jersey Shore, they might have the earliest symptoms of guidoitis.

So you might be asking yourself, “But what am I supposed to do about helping those with guidoitis?”

There is nothing you can do except distance yourself greatly from these monsters. Do not think of them as humans, simply get as far away as you can and pray that you make it out alive. Like zombies, they only care about one thing: Your humanity. If you should come into contact with a guido, delouse yourself A.S.A.P. and call Geeksquad, they’ll know what to do.

Thank you for your time, and your consideration and remember: When dealing with guidos the best thing you can do is run.


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