Handling the Iranian “problem.”

Freebo? Ams he is a joodog!? First off, let me say that I don’t like the President of Iran, mainly because he denies the  Holocaust ever happened and he looks like the skinner from season three of Dexter, and that  terrifies me. There’s numerous ways to handle Iran and it’s 12-year-old mind set. See, Iran has  this misconception that the United States cares whether or not the state therein exists and it’s  simply not the truth. We don’t care whether or not Iran has anything but oil (because that’s all  they’re good for) but in lieu of the idea that they might throw us into another war (which would  last a whopping 15 minutes) I decided on easier ways to handle this. I made a small list of ways  we could handle Iran, that’s all. Take a look-

1. Show the Ayatollah 300-

Probably the Hail Mary of the situation, but I think things would go smoother if we showed them the Frank Miller classic, 300. Think about it Mahmoud! Greece almost beat you with 300 soldiers 3,000 years ago and it was without guns, actual armor, tactical gear, bombs, jets, fighter jets, computers, battle cruisers and the might of the United States military (although, in Greece’s defense, the Persians had to use a deformed goat herder to gain the upper hand).

United States Army, circa 2010.

So showing them Leonidas kicking Persian ass would suffice. If not, we can always do my second solution…

2. Let Ahmadinejad meet Hulk Hogan-

Easier than it sounds, I’m pretty sure that if the Iranian president met Hollywood Hulk, Mahmoud would shit his pants out of sheer terror that the Hulkinator was standing in front of him. I know I would. You know, just for kicks, have him escorted by the Wu Tang Clan.

So we're clear, that moped is 6 stories tall and is fueled by pure rage.

Not good enough? Okay. Fine.

3. Remind them of the bombings in Iraq (2003)

*Ahem* Tehran? Not a problem. Hell, that was just our cowboy mafia bombing the shit out of Baghdad. Think if we released the Italian, or God forbid, Velvet mafias. You would know the meaning of pain, by suffering an agonizing torture session from Tommy Tellone or a pedicure with Ant. Either way, it’d be enough.

Not enough you say?? Not enough!? Fine. The last straw.

4. Finally, have Angelina Jolie adopt all of Iran?

No soldiers to fight with? Maybe, just maybe this idea is crazy enough to work. Plus, I know for a fact that Angelina’s bosom is nice enough to feet at six nations. Why else would Pitt have had left Anniston? Monica? No. Angelina.


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