It’s not secret that I hate conservatives, even worse than I hate Zac Effron, but I don’t think people grasp the concept of listening to fact first then deciding on whether or not their original ideas were wrong. This of course is stemming from what you believe is fact. I’m not going to go into the conspiracy lists that involve liberal and conservative media, because Al Franken has already done that and I just don’t see fit to reiterate what the Senator has already stated. I would like to point out the flaws in young-conservatives idiosyncrasy, also just to make sure I don’t offend anyone I will posting pictures of rabbits. Any problems? No? Let’s begin.
First off, this idea that there is a liberal bias to the media is stupid. Franken proves in Lies that this is wrong by showing the mainstream media’s outpouring of conservative ideas. Now, that being said let’s look into what people consider facts for a moment. You are normally informed from the three most infallible sources; the internet, television and word-of-mouth. Let’s look into what the internet would say about facts-shall we?
The largest source of information on the internet (excluding Google) is Wikipedia. Which is 100.1% correct all of the time. Now, my friend/teacher/colleague Professor Nicholson has informed me of the absolute authority that Wiki is. And just to prove it’s true I decided to do some grassroots investigation. Take Jonesboro Arkansas as an example. Jonesboro is home to several schools of thought (ranging from Beer Guzzling 101 to Living with Allah at the local E-Z Marts) but my favorite is Barnaby Clown College. It doesn’t exist-at all, however there is both a Wiki page on it, link from the Jonesboro site and other notation. Now, does that mean the internet lied to us? No. Because as the internet is always right, it just shows that liberals don’t want you to know about Barnaby and are covering it up with misinformation about it’s non-existance. Right? Right. Also, let’s not forget that Twitter recently had a trend stating that Bill Cosby had died. Just to prove that the internet is right I contacted Bill Cosby and he would not come to the phone, which proves that he was obviously dead.* Not to mention that I Googled “Worst Band in the World” and Creed showed up, which everyone knows is true. Therefor, the internet is obviously correct.
Secondly, let’s look at television. The most watched news source is Fox News Co., that is “fact,” and I cannot argue with it. Is it the most reliable? Certainly. Let’s look back at my recent post about how I hated Fox News Co. where I showed that 30% of the programming is opinions, now let’s get the air cleared. Because what I think they mean by reliable is that it is a reliable opinion. See? Infallible. You cannot argue with opinions, because they are true. Just to get things straightened out, I look back into Star Trek. Taking the replicator as an example I looked at the matter creator. Despite the laws of physics, and everything else-the replicator can create anything you tell it to. Therefor, if the replicator can create anything it can create truth. TV=truth.
Finally, by word of mouth you can learn all of the things you will ever need to know. For instance, I heard that Obama was going to give pills to everyone over the age of 65 that will kill them. However, Congress caught on to the Anti-Christ’s plot when they realized it would be easier for him to do everything he wants when 80% of congress was out of the way (via death by pill) and they foiled his plan by shooting down the Health Bill three times before he decided to leave it out of the bill. Okay.
Now just to take it one step further I decided to look into combining all three methods of infallible truth, I took the 2001 liberal-communist-television horror show known as the World Trade Center “accident.” Immediately following the occurrence, documents were sent out showing that Nostradamus predicted the WTC attacks. I heard about it from a classmate in my 6th grade Science class, I saw it on television and I got the email from Bill Cosby. Now, his quatrains predicted this in 1615. However he died in 1566. This would normally show it was a hoax unless it was uncovered in 1615, which of course you can’t disprove so therefor it must true. See? TV, your classmates and Wikipedia prove everything correctly.
Now, these are the three major sources (the fourth is the Bible and that is just too hairy to talk about) that all young conservatives use as the primary basis for everything they believe in. See how easy it is to be a conservative? You don’t even have to have facts, you can just use the internet. Now, as I am an evil communist I am only using their methods against them because that’s what the liberal agenda of Satan wants me to do. Not because, you know, I thought about it.
*This never happened, Bill was actually rather polite to me.