How delightful it is that I get to sit on my high-horse and judge all of you, truly-it’s an honor. While we’re on this heatwave, let’s ride the tide of disapproval, step this way and I’ll take you to a land that you know oh so well.
Let’s get one thing clear-I don’t like being labeled a hipster, at all. I might share some of the same musical tastes, and I might enjoy an indieflick or ten but that does not make me a hipster. Though, I’d like to know where this veneration of “holier-than-thou because I have a higher friend count on twitter” came from it’s not the dissatisfaction that I’m wailing out today.
Today’s kids are so pretentious you could literally smell their narcissism from miles away (combo of Axe’s “Phoenix” and ditchweed mostly) but the doofuses are all around. I blame MTV and Disney, but really why the duck-face? Just because I feel a sort of apathy towards improving any of you I’m just going to point out some neat-essentials that will hopefully slap you into the person your half-retarded parents couldn’t.
Boys: I have no individual inspirational speech for you, then again I can’t tell half of you apart from the girls (more on this later). Constant whining about how Hot Topic didn’t carry your shitty Transformers t-shirt, and how you only listen to rap to be ironic because you drive a Chevy truck. I know your girlfriend for the day is giving you a beej, and that’s nice and all but truth be told I have my sincere doubts about your faith in self-sustainability and discipline. Do not look for role-models in Edward Cullen, or Lil’ Wayne, because they fucking suck. Oh, and so do you.
Girls: You’re my favorite to pick on because I like you so damned much! Nothing better than “gett1n owned LOL” by a 13-year old in a training bra who’s experimenting with make-up way too early (Mommy’s a hooker, I know but you don’t have to look the part). There’s literally only three things I can think of that I feel the need to point out: looking stupid/unattractive , poor judgement and duck face. Which one annoys the older kids most? Probably duckface, but I think an all-in-one package should make this whole paragraph worth it. Oh, and by the way, you don’t look hawt when you weigh 170 lbs and you’re wearing a t-shirt that shows the rolls/ shorts that show those cottage-cheese thighs so stop it. Thanks so much.
By the way, what the hell is up with 16 year olds adding everyone they see on Facebook? Please be kind, please stop getting on the internet and stop putting your stupid Yellowcard lyrics on your profile pictures, it looks stupid.