Oprah needs to get laid.

You should probably stop watching television unless it’s on Comedy Central, FX, [Adult Swim], HBO or Showtime.

Television once gave us great things, Kidz Bop, Billy Mays commercials, Ahh!! Real Monsters and my personal favorite, Survivor (most fake television-ever.) However, since ABC’s LOST has ended-there’s nothing to watch. My brain’s been rotted out from Snickers, superbowls and Spongebob for years but as of today it sorta cleared up. Just a bit, at least.

Oprah’s getting her own network, why? Because as if a magazine, clothing line, make-up line, phone line, wig aisle, and show wasn’t enough. Now I’m all fine and dandy with television networks, even Fox, but I can’t understand why the worst person I can think of to own a network…will now own one. It’s not as if the United States has any bigger issues at hand right now (censorship, oil crisis, North Korea, immigration, Tea Party etc. etc.). We need to focus our recourses and figure out exactly what miss Winfrey is upto.

Matters haven’t gotten better for her either, she’s been caught with her hand in the cookie-jar, and by cooky-jar I mean voting box. She’s launched a grand idea; Let’s give a reality show to average, everyday people (because looking at our own ugly-asses wasn’t bad enough). On paper, sounds like an idea. I want to know what fucked up things people do, however this novel idea has been t-boned by her company. They’ve pretty much rigged the voting for a teacher’s show about how “life in the classroom can be so difficult.” Fuck that. You think you have it bad because you chose to go into the most under-appreciated service and you have to deal with snot-nosed brats, you deserve a show? No. Bubba in the trailer-park, who puts peanut butter on his cousin/wife’s ass and gets their donkey to eat it, does. We’re gross, but a run-of-the-mill family friendly show is not what America needs.

What we really need is the most horrifying show ever.

Imagine, if you can, a semi-talk show hosted by Andy Dick and Bob Saget. It starts off with business as usual; jokes, laughs and such but then disease-ridden degenerates come out bathing in a nuclear soup from North Korea. The crow laughs, and then we perform genocide on the little people! Afterwords, Bob brings out Meryl Streep and Larry King’s skeletal bodies covered in mayonnaise as they perform intercourse. The crowd…is not laughing. Then, the best part: skat-agories, ’nuff said.

You should be able to catch this show Mondays, and Wednesdays after church.

Why does America need this show? Because, we’re a bunch of filthy fucking degenerates. That’s why.

Oh, and in other news- Congress is banning porn. This of course eliminates the problem of the internet, as 99% of it is a mix between facebook and pornography (the other 1% is the total number of livejournal, myspace and friendster fucks that are too hip to get a facebook, heathens.)

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